Tomorrow

I begin my lessons with Gloria. She had to quit LSC and upon hearing the news, I broke down. Here is someone out there doing it and just can't make it. Here I am just working 4 hrs a day because teaching is my passion. I say oh I'm going to be in a band. I want to play drums... Blah blah blah. I'm lazy and fearful. That is my main problem.  I have issues that I just need to get over. I feel like I have hit a wall but who's fault is that? Mine. Time for me finish what I started and do things that I want. OJ said for me to stand up for myself.  It is easy for certain things but for others I just have to let things happen.  I can't make someone love me or care for me.  It is what it is.

I have a friend that I have known for 12 years.  I have not ever met him but after talking to him one night, him in Utah and me in California, I knew he was special. I adored him.  His at times scratchy voice and when he says....you know that. (smile) I fell so in love with him but we fought alot....over what? I don't know and we stopped talking.  I thought I was going to die.  I revisited those feelings this summer when I went to Steamboat.  I remembered how I felt. He rejected me and I knew no Navajo would ever want me. Ever.  I met Sergio and got married.  But during that whole time he was right there. We still talked as friends and my feelings were gone.  He had met this girl who was a tramp.  I tried to ask him if she was the same girl that got with some guy in front of him in a bar.  He never answered.  He got sober and for whatever reasons they broke up.  I was concerned for him and his sobriety and remained as close to him as I could.  So far so good.  But this girl has a hold on him because this summer I had to deal with the shit she left behind.   It is my fault though.  He had deleted my number and when I registered in Tsaile I texted him.  What was suppose to happen? He didnt offer to come see me. Nothing.  When I got back to Tsaile for classes we began to talk and he was on campus.  I didnt meet him because I was in class. Again what did I expect to happen.  Now here I sit feeling like things have gone back to the way they were.  Me being a passing thought.  Me so so so in love again.  I have fucked myself up.  I thought he was obsessed but now it is me.  I can't talk to anyone about any of this so this is the safest place for me to express myself.

I thought I would leave and live in Tsaile but I would be alone...not that I am not here. But I can't do out there what I can here.  What about the students at my school that may need my help. Can I help Psyde and his class living out there? No.  I know that Sergio will give whatever I need so some student or person doesnt go without.  Thats more important than living in Tsaile right now.  As for being in love, its one sided.  These feelings will leave me as they did before  but I cant make rash decisions like I did before based on being hurt and alone.  My focus has to be music, my master's program and my students.  It may seem to the outside world that I have everything blah blah blah. Maybe so but not the desire of my heart.