Changes

I wonder when feelings change between people. Does it happen over time or does it just happen?  I reread old texts and wonder where those feelings went. When did the friendship become angry? That is the feeling I get now.  I am so emotional over everything that I am making it worse.  For myself. I need to wean myself and go back to the way things were.  I know nothing will come of any of this. It is hurtful because I wanted this. I wanted him to love me and for us to be together. But I have to listen to him when he says he is ready to move on and I am still married.  Besides I live in California and he lives in Arizona. There is no point in hoping it will work out.  He has already told me no.  I have to finish getting a teaching credential and see what happens.  I know I have to just do this all alone but I am lost and uncertain of everything.  This is going to be hard.

I still have a chance

My friend was laid off and it threw me into a panic.  I am in no position to help him if he needed it. Well I could but it wouldnt be enough.  He is such a great and determined person it will be fine.  But again I was faced with the reality that I am stuck. I have this degree and I can not find a job.  I have been out of the medical field so long so that isn't an option.  I am going to apply for the credential program at CSUSB.  It should be a walk in the park.  My co-worker says I am too smart to be working as a computer lab assistant but that is what my title is. It was the only way I could tutor and get paid.  But I guess someone wanted my job and said a permanent employee should be there. There is an attorney involved and now I have to sit in a lab not really helping anyone.  I will have to stay in California for a while.  As soon as I can, I moving to Arizona.

All by Myself

I am going to have to do this all by myself. No support or help. Sergio asked me what do you think your parents will say? I didn't say anything but inside I know exactly what will be said. I will be cussed at. Asked if I'm stupid. Why don't I use my head? You're a failure. Same shit I heard growing up. How can you leave him? He gives you everything? What about the houses? He makes six figures! Things that do not matter. I have said it before...I leave with absolutely nothing. This is going to be hard. I do not even know what to do. I'm fucked.

Learning from my mistakes

I have made plenty and I know I am going to make plenty more.  This last weekend my friend didn't text a hello or anything to me. I didn't panic and I didn't over think it. If his feelings for me haven't changed over all these years they won't in a day or couple of days. Talking to Derrick, made me realize how immature it was for me not to text a hello. I do like it when he does it first but how in the hell does he know that.

In our conversations today I learned he is almost ready for a relationship. I feel a little panicked because I am not ready or able to be in a relationship with him. I can't be selfish so I must prepare myself for the time when he finds someone. Oh how I would love to be with him. Hold his hand and be happy with that. But I'm married and it's not right. This is what I have no control over. I can't stand up for myself in this. I just have to let it happen...whatever it is. 

On Sunday I had my first lesson and I haven't been happier. It was fantastic even though I do lack confidence. She told me to just let loose. Play loud. So tonight when I practiced I played loudly. I need to cut my fingernails because my fingers can't curve properly. I am excited for my next lesson and it's different because I have not ever been asked what do I want to learn. What do I want. Um Leander and to be in a band. :) Yes, wishful thinking. 

I went to two classes today, one at 6am and 8pm. The one at 8 kicked my ass. I loved it. I think I am going to take Taylor's yoga class. I know that my face will have an incredible glow and I'll relieve lots of stress. Mike and I talked about cardio, shakes, and winning the next challenge. I was the winner for the week but I just took off my belt, shoes and didn't have my keys and crap in my pockets. But my competition doesn't know that. I told Mike my strategy and he just looked at me. (rolls eyes) I can't send those slackers into a panic because they will eat nothing but celery sticks. No I can't let them know what I'm doing. My arms and shoulders look so pretty. I love the definition in my shoulders and my calves are beginning to have more definition. Like I just want them to be out there. I need to do more core. I have training in the morning and I have a feeling I won't be able to walk.

Tomorrow

I begin my lessons with Gloria. She had to quit LSC and upon hearing the news, I broke down. Here is someone out there doing it and just can't make it. Here I am just working 4 hrs a day because teaching is my passion. I say oh I'm going to be in a band. I want to play drums... Blah blah blah. I'm lazy and fearful. That is my main problem.  I have issues that I just need to get over. I feel like I have hit a wall but who's fault is that? Mine. Time for me finish what I started and do things that I want. OJ said for me to stand up for myself.  It is easy for certain things but for others I just have to let things happen.  I can't make someone love me or care for me.  It is what it is.

I have a friend that I have known for 12 years.  I have not ever met him but after talking to him one night, him in Utah and me in California, I knew he was special. I adored him.  His at times scratchy voice and when he says....you know that. (smile) I fell so in love with him but we fought alot....over what? I don't know and we stopped talking.  I thought I was going to die.  I revisited those feelings this summer when I went to Steamboat.  I remembered how I felt. He rejected me and I knew no Navajo would ever want me. Ever.  I met Sergio and got married.  But during that whole time he was right there. We still talked as friends and my feelings were gone.  He had met this girl who was a tramp.  I tried to ask him if she was the same girl that got with some guy in front of him in a bar.  He never answered.  He got sober and for whatever reasons they broke up.  I was concerned for him and his sobriety and remained as close to him as I could.  So far so good.  But this girl has a hold on him because this summer I had to deal with the shit she left behind.   It is my fault though.  He had deleted my number and when I registered in Tsaile I texted him.  What was suppose to happen? He didnt offer to come see me. Nothing.  When I got back to Tsaile for classes we began to talk and he was on campus.  I didnt meet him because I was in class. Again what did I expect to happen.  Now here I sit feeling like things have gone back to the way they were.  Me being a passing thought.  Me so so so in love again.  I have fucked myself up.  I thought he was obsessed but now it is me.  I can't talk to anyone about any of this so this is the safest place for me to express myself.

I thought I would leave and live in Tsaile but I would be alone...not that I am not here. But I can't do out there what I can here.  What about the students at my school that may need my help. Can I help Psyde and his class living out there? No.  I know that Sergio will give whatever I need so some student or person doesnt go without.  Thats more important than living in Tsaile right now.  As for being in love, its one sided.  These feelings will leave me as they did before  but I cant make rash decisions like I did before based on being hurt and alone.  My focus has to be music, my master's program and my students.  It may seem to the outside world that I have everything blah blah blah. Maybe so but not the desire of my heart.

Drawing a Blank.

I deleted all the posts from before. They were boring. So much has changed for me...some good and some bad. I guess it depends on who is judging. I am confused about lots of things but I have to keep my focus on what I want. Coming back from Tsaile was hard for me. I miss being out there and I need to go back.  I made some goals and they may be selfish but it's what I want. I did come back with some self image problems. I think I have certain flaws but others don't see them. (rolls eyes). Right now I am working with my trainer, OGM. He is the greatest and we are a winning team. I'm not a slacker like the other people trying to get in shape. I do have a great life but it's not enough. Its not what I want. At this moment what I want doesn't seem possible. Staying here is the easiest choice. Only an idiot would give up what I have. Yes, I am an idiot.